My older child was a "mama's boy" of that there's no doubt, but he was never sad to see me go. He was of the variety that was quite willing to leave me crying on the front steps of the school while he did it all alone. I never let him get away with it though. Hmm, perhaps I should be speaking to adult separation anxiety! :)
My middle child, the 18 month old, seems to be more along the lines of the first example. He has only been in childcare for 4 1/2 months of his life, but it was a struggle nearly everyday. I was told by one of his caregivers that it will often take 3-4 weeks for a child to become accustomed to daycare. I looked at her as he sat on my lap and clung to me and said, "We're on week six." I then left him in her arms as he reached out to me and screamed. He was 9 1/2 months old when he started daycare and he was 12 months before he stopped crying every time I left. Still often, but at least not every time.
Separation can be a huge problem for children, especially if they have not had much time away from you before starting school. I am going to recommend as a caregiver, but more importantly, as a mother, that you start at about 6 months, getting a babysitter at least once a month to go out with your husband, or even get some time alone during the day. It is not only healthy for you, it is healthy for your child as well.
Remember that feeling anxious at the thought of Mom or Dad going away is completely normal, but here are some things that might help to ease the pain.
1. Have Practice Sessions
Set up some moments within the safety of your own home to practice leaving your child. Even going to another floor to do laundry can be traumatic for some children, as it was for my infant after he started daycare. He always thought I was leaving and never coming back, so I would start leaving him for short periods, 2 minutes, then 5 minutes, just to reassure him that I wasn't going away. As children get older, have a friend watch them or allow them to play at a drop-in daycare for half an hour to an hour.
2. Keep It Familiar
If you are noticing that your child is quite anxious about you leaving, then try to bring a sitter into your home if you can, or allowing your child to take something familiar to a new environment can ease the goodbye. If your child's school or child care facility does not allow objects from home, then be sneaky about it. Read a book, such as "The Kissing Hand" and draw a little heart on your child's palm. That will help to keep you close throughout the day.
3. Remember: Returning the "Cling" Doesn't Help
Tell your child that you are leaving, then go! It may not be the easiest thing for you to do, but it will be the goodbye that helps your child the most in the long-run. If you continue to go back for "one more hug" or cry at the door because your child is sad, that will only increase your child's anxiety, as they will think there is a problem with the environment and you don't want them to be there either. It will also prolong the problem. An anxious goodbye that may have lasted two weeks, is now being dragged into two months because your child is a smart cookie and has learned how to work the system.
4. Set Limits
Here is where the child guidance comes in! Your child has to know that this is where they need to be right now. Whether it be Grandma's house, daycare, or school, there is simply no other choice. When you drop your child off, ensure that they understand you will not be leaving them for longer than you have to, but you need to go to work and they need to stay with their caregiver. You can spin it so the child understands that this is their job and they are helping you so much by staying at their job and having a good day and working hard while you are gone.
That being said, it is now the middle of October. If you child is still suffering from anxiety when you leave them, and you feel that it is not getting better, then there may be more to this. Anxiety disorder is much more serious, but certainly not as common. Children who suffer from anxiety disorder are actually afraid to leave the safety of their parent's arms. They may feel as though something bad might happen while you are away, or they may not feel safe in their environment. This can be much more difficult to deal with, but parents can help.
If your child refuses to go to school, clings to you when you arrive, feels scared to go to sleep, or suffers from headaches and stomach aches, then please read the rest of this message.
Some common causes might be a new environment, be it school, daycare or house. Perhaps your child feels stressed by things taking place at home. It may be that your parenting style leads to over-reaction or over-protection of your child. This too can cause your little one to be excessively anxious about new situations.
Here are some ways to help:
1. Dialogue
The best way to help your child through anxiety, no matter the severity or situation, is to talk about it! Ensure an open dialogue with your child about how they are feeling and why they feel the way they do. Remember that there is nothing wrong with their feelings, and each feeling and fear is completely valid. Just reassure your child that you love them and will be there to help them through it.
2. Structure
Children thrive on structure and routine. Ensure that there are not often disruptions to your child's daily routine and it will help to allieviate the stress.
3. Check Yourself at the Door
Ensure that you are not stressed, and do not show your sadness to your child. Keep a brave face until you are sitting in your car. Your child will feel far more safe and secure if they know that you feel that way!
I hope this blog helps, but if you have any questions, or have anything to add about your own experiences, please feel free to leave a comment below.
