Kids and Death: The Conneticut Aftermath

In the aftermath of the horrific events in Conneticut, we have to ask ourselves what this means for those children left behind. Many were not exposed to the actual events that took place in their school, but there were those who were given a first-hand view of Hell. Both of these groups will be traumatized forever by these events, so what now? How does one begin to talk to children about the horrible events that occur in a place we call "ours"?

Death is an abstract idea for children. It is not something you can see or feel; therefore, it becomes difficult to explain in a way they can understand. Many parents will explain to their children that when someone dies they go to Heaven, perhaps explaining that they will become an angel, or look down on you from above. Other parents will explain that death is a place you go and all the pain stops. In death there are no gun shots, there is no cancer, their friends and teachers are safe now. Some parents may be at a loss. Where does one even begin to sort out the details? Death, as it occurred in Conneticut, is something even adults cannot comprehend.

The one thing that we as adults must remember is that children do not need a lot of details to feel like the answers were given. Obviously those children who are actually exposed first-hand to scary events will already have many of the details and these will need to be explained to them and broken down more directly. Simply saying, "A bad man came in and did some terrible things" is not going to be enough for the children affected. They already know that! What children don't know and need to know is that they are safe. Those feelings of security in their world have been shattered and will remain that way for a very long time.

Simply stated, children need concrete explanations. They need to see, hear, taste and touch real things. Show them where they can lay flowers and teddy bears to say goodbye. Let them be a part of the grieving. Tell them you don't understand what happened. Tell them sometimes there are no answers, but you love them and are going to do everything in your power to keep them safe. Give them comfort in the small things. If it is ice-cream, let them have some ice-cream while you talk to them. If they love apple juice, then let them drink some while you talk. Something as small as using the sense of taste to ease your child will help. Give your child lots of hugs and keep them close. They need someone nearby. If it means your child sleeps in your bed for a week or two, that's okay. It is not going to start bad habits or set a precedent, it is going to let your child feel the safety of having a loving adult close by. Above all else, ensure your child feels LOVE in these times of sadness and grief.

Separation Anxiety: How to Be Tough When Your Child Needs You

As far as I can tell, there are two types of children. Perhaps there is a continuum of balance, but children will typically fall into two camps. The first are those who will cling to you, screaming and crying and tearing at your heart threatening to leave you calling in sick to work. The second is the child who tells you to stay outside because they don't want you to walk them to class the first day of Kindergarten because it's embarrassing. I've had both.

My older child was a "mama's boy" of that there's no doubt, but he was never sad to see me go. He was of the variety that was quite willing to leave me crying on the front steps of the school while he did it all alone. I never let him get away with it though. Hmm, perhaps I should be speaking to adult separation anxiety! :)

My middle child, the 18 month old, seems to be more along the lines of the first example. He has only been in childcare for 4 1/2 months of his life, but it was a struggle nearly everyday. I was told by one of his caregivers that it will often take 3-4 weeks for a child to become accustomed to daycare. I looked at her as he sat on my lap and clung to me and said, "We're on week six." I then left him in her arms as he reached out to me and screamed. He was 9 1/2 months old when he started daycare and he was 12 months before he stopped crying every time I left. Still often, but at least not every time.

Separation can be a huge problem for children, especially if they have not had much time away from you before starting school. I am going to recommend as a caregiver, but more importantly, as a mother, that you start at about 6 months, getting a babysitter at least once a month to go out with your husband, or even get some time alone during the day. It is not only healthy for you, it is healthy for your child as well.

Remember that feeling anxious at the thought of Mom or Dad going away is completely normal, but here are some things that might help to ease the pain.

1. Have Practice Sessions
Set up some moments within the safety of your own home to practice leaving your child.    Even going to another floor to do laundry can be traumatic for some children, as it was for my infant after he started daycare. He always thought I was leaving and never coming back, so I would start leaving him for short periods, 2 minutes, then 5 minutes, just to reassure him that I wasn't going away. As children get older, have a friend watch them or allow them to play at a drop-in daycare for half an hour to an hour.

2. Keep It Familiar
If you are noticing that your child is quite anxious about you leaving, then try to bring a sitter into your home if you can, or allowing your child to take something familiar to a new environment can ease the goodbye. If your child's school or child care facility does not allow objects from home, then be sneaky about it. Read a book, such as "The Kissing Hand" and draw a little heart on your child's palm. That will help to keep you close throughout the day.

3. Remember: Returning the "Cling" Doesn't Help
Tell your child that you are leaving, then go! It may not be the easiest thing for you to do, but it will be the goodbye that helps your child the most in the long-run. If you continue to go back for "one more hug" or cry at the door because your child is sad, that will only increase your child's anxiety, as they will think there is a problem with the environment and you don't want them to be there either. It will also prolong the problem. An anxious goodbye that may have lasted two weeks, is now being dragged into two months because your child is a smart cookie and has learned how to work the system.

4. Set Limits
Here is where the child guidance comes in! Your child has to know that this is where they need to be right now. Whether it be Grandma's house, daycare, or school, there is simply no other choice. When you drop your child off, ensure that they understand you will not be leaving them for longer than you have to, but you need to go to work and they need to stay with their caregiver. You can spin it so the child understands that this is their job and they are helping you so much by staying at their job and having a good day and working hard while you are gone.

That being said, it is now the middle of October. If you child is still suffering from anxiety when you leave them, and you feel that it is not getting better, then there may be more to this. Anxiety disorder is much more serious, but certainly not as common. Children who suffer from anxiety disorder are actually afraid to leave the safety of their parent's arms. They may feel as though something bad might happen while you are away, or they may not feel safe in their environment. This can be much more difficult to deal with, but parents can help.

If your child refuses to go to school, clings to you when you arrive, feels scared to go to sleep, or suffers from headaches and stomach aches, then please read the rest of this message.

Some common causes might be a new environment, be it school, daycare or house. Perhaps your child feels stressed by things taking place at home. It may be that your parenting style leads to over-reaction or over-protection of your child. This too can cause your little one to be excessively anxious about new situations.

Here are some ways to help:

1. Dialogue
The best way to help your child through anxiety, no matter the severity or situation, is to talk about it! Ensure an open dialogue with your child about how they are feeling and why they feel the way they do. Remember that there is nothing wrong with their feelings, and each feeling and fear is completely valid. Just reassure your child that you love them and will be there to help them through it.

2. Structure
Children thrive on structure and routine. Ensure that there are not often disruptions to your child's daily routine and it will help to allieviate the stress.

3. Check Yourself at the Door
Ensure that you are not stressed, and do not show your sadness to your child. Keep a brave face until you are sitting in your car. Your child will feel far more safe and secure if they know that you feel that way!

I hope this blog helps, but if you have any questions, or have anything to add about your own experiences, please feel free to leave a comment below.

I've Tried It All. Nothing Works!

There are sure to be some people who read a blog like this and think, "Are you crazy? You don't know my kid at all! I've tried the techniques, I've read the books... nothing works!" You give choices but your child insists on the third option and tantrums without it. You try to help your children problem solve but three seconds later they're screaming and throwing toys at each other. You try to ignore the behavior but time after time it ends in your child punching your leg and biting little brother for attention. What's so wrong with spanking anyway? You'll do it respectfully, after all, you know there is a right way and a wrong way to hit children. What's so wrong with yelling and sending everyone to their rooms? It's the only way they will listen!

Listen to this. Don't give up. Children will go through stages in their development where they will be far more determined. At this point, it may not be about trying everything; it could mean just trying a couple of things and using them consistently. This way they will learn what will happen and the hope is that eventually they will stop the behavior, or learn the new one. There are some children who seem to go through the stage that never ends. The whining started when she was three, now she's eight and it's still a common occurrence.

This is what your children are learning when you choose not to spank or yell:

RESPECT
Your child learns respect for you, respect for himself, and understands that you respect her everytime you talk with her rather than at her!

TRUST
Your child learns to trust you as a listener everytime you talk to him about his behavior rather than spanking him because of it!

INDEPENDENCE
Your child learns how to handle situations on her own and develops a real sense of autonomy everytime you allow her to change, choose, or deal with a situation rather than making these decisions for her!

I know how it is, I'm a Mom and I know that life isn't easy all the time and when you are raising children there are certain challenges that will push you over the edge. When you feel ready to fall off the cliff, just stop for a second and think about how positive guidance can impact your child's future. Then go into your room and scream into your pillow. That always helps too :)

When Parenting Becomes Overwhelming

I have been struggling to post these days, as I have been feeling extremely sleep deprived. My three month old has recently decided he is hungry every 1-3 hours during the night. It makes for plenty of trips into the nursery... literally, as I stumble with my eyes half-open over piles of dirty laundry.
How does one keep their cool when they are tired, stressed, or just generally run-down?

There are just two things you need to remember when that thermostat in your head starts to rise:
1) You are the adult!
2) This child trusts you!

There are several strategies that we can learn about and use when we try to keep children calm, or when we want them to do something. What about strategies for ME? Here are some things I do when full-time parenting seems overwhelming.

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

You know those piles of laundry I trip over in the night? They haven't been there forever, and they won't be there forever. Right now, it is just not a priority. I would prefer to go for a walk in the afternoon, just to get out of the house. My children are fed, they are happy, and my laundry can wait.
One day Jonah needed extra snuggles during the day. I was nursing him while Micah played. In his ventures, he came across a Kleenex box that I had failed to put out of his reach. He spent a good 20 minutes taking tissues, one at a time from the box to the kitchen. Yes, these cost money, yes I needed to clean up when he was done, but for that moment. For those precious 20 minutes, rather than chasing him from one activity to another while trying to feed a baby, I just watched him play and relaxed knowing he was safe and happy, and I didn't need to move.

Take A Break

Well meaning people have told me to "nap when the baby naps". Have these people ever had children?? My toddler never slept longer than 40 minutes at a time until he was four months old. In fact, he often didn't sleep more than 40 minutes during daylight hours at all. Now with two children and that much more laundry, more tears, more feeding, really more everything, who has time to nap? That being said, I always try to find time for breaks. Just sitting and reading a book to the boys can be relaxing. The other day, I took them both outside to the front walk, Micah with a bucket of side-walk chalk and Jonah in his bouncy chair. I love getting in and playing with Micah, but this day, I just sat on the stairs and watched. I had a bottle of water, bare feet, and sunshine. It was a favorite relaxation moment of the summer.

Play

When things get overwhelming during the day and I haven't slept and the boys won't nap, one thing that I do is put the blinders on to my dirty dishes, piles of laundry and the defrosting chicken that never will be cooked that night. Instead I sit down with my son, and I play. We read books, tickle belly buttons and most importantly, go outside to dig in the dirt. Nothing occupies my son more than being outside with the rocks and dirt. I love to get right in there with him and get dirty. If not relaxing in the physical sense, it is at least a great way to compose myself.

Get Involved

I make a point of being with other mom's at least once a week. I have a few options. There is a play group in my small town where mom's just get together and have coffee once a week while the children play. In the city nearby I try to get out to the "Breastfeeding Support Group". This consists of a group of mom's who all breastfeed and are offered support by local health nurses, but more than that, we are all at home with our children everyday. It is a great outlet. This group of mom's even tries to get out for a "girl's night out" about once a month. This is just a secondary benefit to getting involved.

Remember

These are three ideas that work for me, and I hope that you will find them helpful as well. Just remember this: It is never a sign of weakness to ask for help. And if you find that you are having more rough days than good ones, perhaps there's more than just lack of sleep or a busy schedule affecting you. Do not shy away from talking to your doctor about your state of mind.

Please share some tips and tools you have learned!

Infant Discipline

Have you ever been sitting in church only to hear the grunts and groans of the baby in your lap until you finally hear a diaper filled like a ten gun salute in the midst of a sleeping town? Have you ever been enclosed in a dressing room at the mall while a baby screams like he hasn't been fed in three days because you had to wait ten minutes for the "stroller room"? Have you ever needed to don a nursing cover in the middle of a restaurant? Then you must have been the parent of an infant.

Let's face it, anyone who has worked with infants knows that it is more difficult than it looks. There are times when you need the baby to be quiet and (please, please) cooperate. Usually these times happen at the most stressful moments for the caregiver. The question is, "How on earth do you get a baby to do what you want?"
The answer is, "You can't", at least not in ways like you could with a toddler or preschooler (which are also each different). Infants are a unique species in the human world. They look like people, they generally act like people, yet they cannot function like people. Infants do not have the cognitive ability to gage emotions of others or consider cause-and-effect and consequences. They rely entirely on those around them for food, shelter, even body heat, as their little bodies cannot properly regulate hot and cold. Infants have ways of telling adults what they need, be it through crying, smiling, or body language, like sucking on a fist. During the first six months of life, a baby will simply tell us what they want, and all we can do is respond. It isn't until about six months of age that an infant will begin to understand cause-and-effect. At that point, we can begin to slowly and simply teach behaviors and routines.

The reality is, everyone has a breaking point with children, spouses, bosses, whatever the case may be. When pushed hard enough, you will either push back or run for the hills (fight or flight). Stress is a major factor when you are a sleep deprived and emotionally enriched, as most new moms are. The key to disciplining an infant, is to discipline yourself! Keep tabs on your emotions, as it is sometimes easy to let them run away on you. Check yourself often, for fatigue, frustration, and overall satisfaction. If you find that you are tired and you cannot sleep, take a break in other ways. My toddler did not nap until he was 7 months old. Before that it was 10 minute cat naps a couple of times a day. Hardly worth closing my eyes for. I was exhausted! The key was to turn a blind eye to the raw meat on the counter waiting to be cooked for supper and the baby clothes that seemed to always find a home in my living room. Instead, I would sit with my son in the rocking chair and just look at him and hold him, reminding myself how much I had looked forward to his arrival, and knowing that this phase would one day pass. I found peace in the very being that caused me stress. If you find that you are frustrated and have no one you can call for help, check yourself and make a conscious choice for "flight". There were times when I needed to just put my son in a safe place like his crib, or bouncy chair and just walk away for a breath. One of the best ways to calm us both down was to put him in the stroller and walk around the block, sometimes several times. Some moms will even put their child in the car and drive aimlessly for hours because that is the only way their baby will sleep. This is not crazy! It's the only way to keep sane, and that is okay!
I was lucky enough this time around to have my husband to lean on and talk to about my frustrations and struggles. Such was not the case with my first boy. As a single mom I really had to bear the load alone, and that can be difficult. The best thing you can do is find someone, anyone who will listen and not judge. Use them! This is about disciplining yourself to reach out for the sake of your child.

Infants are not disciplined in the sense that you would think about discipline. The best way to ensure an infant gives you the quiet and cooperation you need is to give them everything they need! Even so, babies come with no guarantees... no return policies either. Remember though, from the mother of both an infant and a teenager, each stage of life will pass (whether you want them to or not). My best advice: Look after yourself. That baby needs you!

Obedience is for the Dogs

I came across an interesting Tweet the other day, written by Alphie Kohn. He quoted author Louise Porter: "Obedience is a fine aim for household pets, but we don't expect pets to grow up and leave home."
Parents and caregivers seem to have this underlying understanding that if children listen and obey, that we are doing our jobs correctly. Here's the thing, parenting is NOT about making our children listen to us. If the goal of graduating from childhood into adulthood is that you can obey rules, then adulthood is going to be a bit of a shocker! Sure, children need to learn that rules exist, and exist for a reason. They also need to be able to follow instruction and maintain societal norms, especially as they age. And, let's face it, a parents job is to ensure these things happen. Ensuring obedience is not the way to do it.
Giving children commands and expecting that they respond immediately is not preparing them for the real world.
"Sit!" "Fetch!" "Lie Down!" These certainly sound like commands one might give a dog, but do they not also sound somewhat like what we say to our children on occasion? TELLING children what to do and expecting that they respond is giving us what we want, but what is it doing for them? They are becoming little robots who jump on command, don't question authority, and never learn who they are in the world. Some parents might think, "What?! My child had better not question my authority! They are children, I am the adult, what right do they have to question me?" Well, in reality, they should be given every right and opportunity to question you. There are some really heartbreaking periods in our not so distant world history that took place because men and women chose not to question those in command. Encourage your children to ask "why". Encourage them to question even adults when something is happening that they feel is not right or fair. TEACH your children to become independent thinkers! One day, they will be left out in the great wide world with no one but themselves to lean on and learn from. Teach your children that to obey is not the most important thing in life. Teach them to become critical thinkers, problem solvers, and questioning individuals.

To NO or not to NO...?

I endorse positive discipline strategies to my students in the ELCC program. On the first day of class, I give them a situation:

You are escorting a group of children down a school hallway. They are never allowed to run in the halls, yet one little boy insists on running ahead of the group. How do you tell him not to run without using the words "no","stop", "not", or any contraction containing not, such as "can't" or "don't".

I tell them that my goal is to teach them how to give directions or discipline children in a positive way, without negative words.

Some of the answers I get include:

"You can use your walking feet down the hall." or "When you run, I get worried that you are going to fall. Please walk with me."

When I began working in daycare, I practiced extreme abstinence of "no's". It took some practice and great modelling by those with more experience than me, but I became a master of the craft. I expect nothing less from those who leave my program and go out into the field. There are several options that will eliminate this word from anyone's vocabulary and they work with any age group in any situation. Here are just a couple of suggestions:

Distraction

Has your child ever been so intent on putting their sippy cup in the garbage can, that no matter how many times you tell him NO, he continues to go back to the same activity? It can begin to feel a little like Groundhog Day as you repeat the steps over and over again. This can obviously get frustrating.

Have you ever turned your back for a second, only to turn back and find the little darling that was in the other room playing with cars just one second ago looking up longingly at  the pot boiling on the stove?

The quick and natural thing to do in either situation is to say, or shout, "NO", even if it means doing it time and time again. In either of these situations, a quick and easy solution is to distract your child with a new activity. Think of something they would enjoy and suggest they do that instead. For instance, the other day, Micah, my 16 month old, was following us around the kitchen as my husband and I tried to get supper ready. We kept telling him to go play with his toys, but he was not interested in that. Finally, I asked him if he wanted to play with playdough while we make supper. I put him in his highchair, and he was happy and busy for 20 minutes while we finished.

Give Choices

Nobody likes to hear what they can't do, even children get tired of all the negativity. Another option is to tell a child what they CAN do, and make it a choice. 

"You can take your sippy cup to your table and I'll bring you a cracker for a snack, or you can give me your sippy cup because it looks like you are all done with it."

"You can help me toss the salad, or you can leave the kitchen because it is not safe to be here."

Even a young child can make simple choices and appreciate hearing the positive messages. As children get older, the choices can become more verbally complex, but it is still a good idea to leave the choices at 2. You get one or the other.

I-Messages

Remember that when the child is doing something that you don't like, or feel is unsafe, it is really YOUR problem, not theirs. They are just doing what children do. It is important to own that problem. Using NO is really placing the issue on the child and making them feel as though they are somehow unfit as a child, because all of their impulses are simply natural, as hard as that is for us to swallow sometimes. I-messages typically start with "I" or at least allow you to own the problem and make the child aware of it. It is not a bad idea to follow an I-message with a choice or allow the child to problem-solve.

"I feel frustrated when you put your sippy cup in the garbage. What else could we do with your sippy cup?"

"I am worried you are going to get hurt being in the kitchen right now. I would like you to leave. What could you do instead?"

If I were to use the first I-message with my little one, it would be important for me to remember that he will not necessarily understand all of the words I used; however, this is good learning for him as far as vocabulary, and it is important for me to vocalize how I feel, as this helps me to keep tabs on where I'm at emotionally and allows me to keep my head from spinning right off my body.

I found when Micah was an infant and just learning to understand that language has meaning, I used "no" a lot. It was instinctive and he seemed to understand it easily. He knew if I said no, it meant it was off limits, that by no means meant that he left it alone, but at least he understood. Now that I have started, I am finding it difficult to recondition myself to use other strategies. I have justified it by telling myself that it is easier for him, but the reality is, it has been an easy-out for me. Unfortunately, now that he is becoming a toddler, it is not such an easy fix; he is not so quick to respond to the repeated "No, not in your brother's eye." "No, no, no! Be gentle with Jonah." "No Micah, stop whining." Does this really get me anywhere?? NO!! There is a reason for guidance strategies. They are designed to keep us ALL sane, a gift I could use most days.

Please comment on your strategies for deterring negative behavior? What are some more ideas?

Spanking: The Easy Way Out

Last night as my family sat around the dinner table (eating barbecued hamburgers yet again, as it is far too hot to cook) we began discussing my blog and some of the things I believe in as far as discipline. My teenager pipes up and says there is really only one form of discipline he remembers as a child, the "countdown". 

It started when he was two and continued until he was about five. I would use my fingers, starting at 5 (just to give him time to think about what his choices were), if I got to 1, he would receive a spanking. I never got to 1 on the bus or in any awkward places thankfully because I really didn't know what I would do at that point. Even more wonderful is that I never got to 1 very often at all. He caught on quick and I really only had to give him a spanking a handful of times. It's the countdown he remembers, and the fear of what was to come.

The fact of the matter is, parents are not given a book about what to do when their children misbehave. In reality, all we have when our little people come into the world are our own memories and experiences. I was a single mom, so all I had to rely on were my own childhood experiences. Having grown up with the proverb "to spare the rod is to spoil the child" I believed I was doing what was right for my child, and really, I thought I was doing pretty good! When I was a child, if I misbehaved I got a spanking on the bare butt with a leather belt. I don't feel that it was wrong necessarily on the part of my parents, it was what they knew, but I always swore I would never spank my child with anything but my hand, and I felt pretty good about that.
When I went to college and took Early Childhood courses my eyes were opened to the many possibilities of discipline. I wanted open dialogue with my child, and here they were telling me that this could be accomplished, even in the face of misbehavior. I was still a firm believer in spanking for years after completing my diploma because, let's face it, it's hard to give up what you know. I would go to work and use all of those wonderful guidance strategies with the children in my care, and I became efficient at using them with Joshua as well, but when push came to shove, and I was frustrated and didn't want to deal with the behavior anymore, I would always resort to the countdown and the spanking if necessary. I guess that's the thing about spanking; it's easy.

I don't take the easy way out anymore. I endeavor to be the kind of mom that will put the time and energy into teaching my children better ways of being, rather than punishing them for being who they are.

I remember in grade one, Joshua got into trouble at school and the school called to let me know what happened. When I picked him up, I didn't tell him what I knew, I just asked him questions to see if he would come clean. He didn't. He lied to me about why he stayed in at recess and what events had transpired that day. On the way home, I went through the Tim Hortons' drive through, and bought some donuts. When we got home, we sat down at the kitchen table and I told him we need to have a meeting. I told him what I knew, explained how disappointed I was that he had lied to me, and most importantly, I didn't do all the talking. I asked him questions, got his viewpoint, and respected him as a growing individual. That being said, it wasn't something to be ignored and to help him remember, I gave him some chores to do around the house, not because he got in trouble at school, but because he had lied to me. To this day, he remembers that conversation and the cleaning he had to do more than any other punishment I have ever given out. He learned an important lesson that day about lying and trust. Trust, because eleven years ago my son learned to trust me with his feelings and the truth because I took the time to listen instead of being authoritarian with my punishment. That day I taught him more than any physical punishment could have ever taught. From that point on, whenever there was an important issue to discuss regarding his behavior, we would sit down at the kitchen table and have a "meeting" to decide what do to about it.

As a footnote, my son is seventeen years old and is about to enter his final year of high school. I still believe in open communication, and although he chooses (sadly) not to tell me everything about his life there continues to be a strong element of trust between us and I credit that to my strength in listening rather than punishing.

What are your thoughts on the proverb "To spare the rod is to spoil the child"?

http://footage.shutterstock.com/clip-535495-stock-footage-fingers-countdown-from-five-green.html

Tarnished Halos

Who doesn't love the contagious giggle of a toddler when you tip him upside-down and tickle his tummy? How can you not fall head-over-heels in love with a little boy who crawls up on your chest just so he can put his head down and snuggle in for a hug? Whose heart doesn't melt when you go to get a little boy out of his crib and he puts his arms out and says, "mama" or "daddy"? The real question is, what do you do with that same little angel when he winds up and smacks you, then laughs, or continues to throw his food around the kitchen no matter how many times you ask him to stop? What do you do when you've done everything to teach a new behavior, but it just isn't enough?

Here are a couple of websites that offer some ideas and strategies for dealing with challenging behavior.

Positive Guidance and Discipline Strategies
Guiding Young Children: 21 Strategies


Here's the issue with webites: They sound good in theory, but what really happens when you try out their suggestions? When you're dealing with children, often the opposite of what you might hope.

Today my little angel was snuggled up nice and cute, giving his baby brother a hug. He got up and touched Jonah's cheek ever so gently. Believing in positive reinforcement, I immediately told Micah what a great job he had done, using such gentle touches. In response to my encouraging words, the little angel lifted his arm, took off his halo, and smacked his baby brother on the head.
Now, I am mother to both children. I love them both equally, but no matter who is hurting one of my babies, Mama Bear comes out! Had I been in class at this point I may have posed a question to my students:
In this situation do you

a) put the child in a corner
b) slap the child's hand
c) ignore the behavior (he's just a toddler and one day his brother will learn to hit back)
d) take the child's hand and show him a gentle touch

Seems obvious, right? Sure, when you're in a classroom and your emotions aren't in play! I personally, grabbed Micah, sat him against the wall, and (finger wagging and all) demanded that he not hit! Suddenly reality set in and I remembered that I don't believe in "time-out", so when I went to deal with the crying baby and Micah followed me, I just let it go. With a toddler, what happens in the moment, stays in the moment. There is no point in dwelling on it or continuing to try and get your message across. I said my piece and if it happened again I knew that I would go with (d) this time. Afterall, I am the adult; if I don't control my emotions, who will?

Focus and Discipline

I have been surfing the net and thinking about my own experiences and circumstances, while considering what the direct focus of my blog will be. I am not currently in the childcare field, yet have a great deal of experience. I am not exactly out of the field either, as I keep up date on current research with my job, and stay home with my own two younger children every day.
I appreciate the blogs that I have been reading that have incredible planning ideas, or those that offer great recipes for children. These are things that I can use on a daily basis, while also adapting them for my own needs. They are, however, not areas I can effectively discuss on an ongoing basis; although I will offer ideas as they come up. I have come to realize that the one area of childcare that I know well on a professional level, and deal with each and everyday on a personal level is the ongoing issue of guidance and discipline.
I teach a first year course in the ELCC program titled "Guiding Behavior" and tell my students the very first day that this will most likely be the most important course they take in their two year diploma program. Looking at program planning, children's supports and business administration are all very important and cannot be overlooked; however, learning how to deal with children's emotions and their reactions to these emotions is life-long learning. Even when I took the Early Childhood program myself, the course that impacted me the most was the one that taught me how to effectively talk, listen, and discipline. This helped me in my career, and still helps me today with my own children, and let's face it, with my husband as well! I look forward to offering support, answering questions, and continuing my own growth as a parent and child care professional through this blog.

How Much Time Between Children

When couples decide to start a family, many have already discussed how many children they would like to have as well as how far apart seems ideal to have them. One website states that it makes sense financially to space children 3-4 years apart. This would mean you do not have both children in childcare at the same time, and there would be some time to prepare for the younger to enter university. Another article states that at least the older sibling will be smarter if children are spaced at two year intervals. The article goes on to suggest that if children are much closer than that, parents are too busy to give appropriate time for enrichment.

I have three children. The first two are spaced 16 years and 3 weeks apart. The second two are 14 months and 10 days apart. Certainly two extremes and worth commenting on. When I was pregnant with my second son, I was told more often than not, that I am "crazy for starting over again" when I'm so close to being done. When I got pregnant with my third I had just as many comments about being "crazy for having them so close together". Am I really as crazy as they say? Am I doing my children a disservice by spacing them as I have?

Having a brother 16 years younger means that my first was essentially an only child for most of his life. He was disappointed that it took so long to have a sibling, but certainly not disappointed to finally have one. Joshua, my 17 year old, and Micah, my 16 month old are extremely close. Josh plays with Micah regularly and Micah thinks the world revolves around his big brother. Certainly there are economic benefits to this difference, as one is about to graduate in a year and the other will not need tuition for another 16 years. Having a baby has heightened the element of responsibility for my teenager, as he recognizeds this litter person looks up to him. For Micah and Jonah both, he will always have someone older to turn to who has their best interests at heart, yet isn't one of those annoying "parent types".

Obviously there are downsides to having such a substantial age difference. They will never be as close as siblings who are raised at the same time, with the same experiences. They will not go to school together or have the same friends. However, they are brothers, and there is always something to be said for that!

When my second was 6 months old, I found out I was pregnant with Jonah. These two boys are very close in age. I anticipate they will play together, fight together, grow together and love each other. They will have the same family vacations, the same schools, possibly the same friends. They will share the same memories when they are older about their childhood.

Let's look at the reality of having two very young children. Certainly it is not easy financially to have two babies in the house. They both need diapers, I have two cribs, and if they both go to daycare, it will cost a small fortune. My time is spent nursing the younger while trying to entertain the older with one arm. Micah doesn't get the stories, outdoor experiences and general one-on-one time that he did just a few short months ago. That being said, things will get easier, and in the meantime, they are both learning so much! Micah is learning to share; right now it is his Mommy time rather than his toys. More importantly, he is learning a most important lifeskill, empathy. Already he is running to give the baby a soother when he cries, or trying to rock the carseat in the back of the car while soothing "shh, shh". Jonah is learning the power of relationship, as everytime Micah leans in with a hug, he is rewarded with the biggest grin.

All in all, I don't think it's a matter of how much time you put between your children, but more a matter of how much time you put into your children.

Maternity Leave

The idea of Maternity Leave is a fairly new concept to me. When I had my first son, Joshua, I was still in high school and needed to continue my schooling. There was no room for a leave of absence from, well, anything. I finished high school and went on to college, all the while, he was in childcare during the day. Now that I am older and have a career, having a baby and the option of staying home with him for a whole year sounded almost too good to be true. As it turns out, it was, simply because I needed to go back to work early to build up time for another leave with my third baby.
Now that I am on Maternity Leave for what I presume will be a full year, I am not sure I will be able to find it in me to return to work. Having nearly two full years as a stay-at-home mom under my belt is simply a teaser. These little people change so much each day!
It turns out that in Canada, most parents are taking advantage of the opportunity to take time at home with their new babies. I wonder how many of these mothers are tempted to stay home with their children, only to find that financial realities require that they go back to work. I have met a number of women who feel that building a career, or at least continuing to have a social network outside of children is very important. To them I say, "I admire you!" I know what it is like to be a full-time mom, while also having a full-time job. This is not an easy feat. Besides, without mothers in the workforce, I would not have the experiences, memories and opportunities that I have had in the childcare field.

The Magic of Mud

Summer where I live is a mixture of sun and rain, hot and cold. I have found it more difficult this year to enjoy those hot sunny days than in previous years; this is due to having a two month old, as well as the fact that we have just moved into a new home and have no landscaping done at this time. However, this lack of green grass has allowed for a wonderful opportunity! I have introduced my 16 month old to the concept of mudpies! We wait for the rain (never having to wait long) and venture out into the undeveloped land behind our house to find the biggest mudpuddle available. At first he is unsure of the feeling of the mud between his toes while his sandles sink into the wet muck. Then he reaches for my hand because he can't seem to get his foot to move forward. So I take his hand and the undeniable sound of a suction cup can be heard as he picks his little foot up and slurps it back down again. When we finally make it to the puddle he squats down with his spoons and other kitchenware to scoop and fill. It doesn't take long before the spoons are disposed of as he figures his hands can do a much more effective job. Once the hands are wet and muddy, it becomes second-nature to splash up a storm. Before long we are both covered in wet, dark mud.
What has this little venture done for a boy, just learning to explore the world? He has learned first and foremost to trust. He knows that when his hand goes up in search of help in moving forward, I will be there. He has learned about gravity, as his shoes get heavier and heavier with each step, while the mud continues to cake onto his shoes like a thick dark cloud. He has learned the value of getting dirty to get the job done, as he realizes his hands can do the job as well as any tool. He has also learned to play; he has learned the value of letting his guard down and getting involved simply because it is fun!
And me? What has this little adventure done for me? I have learned that every moment I spend with this little boy is a memory in the making. I have learned the magic of childhood.