Kids and Death: The Conneticut Aftermath

In the aftermath of the horrific events in Conneticut, we have to ask ourselves what this means for those children left behind. Many were not exposed to the actual events that took place in their school, but there were those who were given a first-hand view of Hell. Both of these groups will be traumatized forever by these events, so what now? How does one begin to talk to children about the horrible events that occur in a place we call "ours"?

Death is an abstract idea for children. It is not something you can see or feel; therefore, it becomes difficult to explain in a way they can understand. Many parents will explain to their children that when someone dies they go to Heaven, perhaps explaining that they will become an angel, or look down on you from above. Other parents will explain that death is a place you go and all the pain stops. In death there are no gun shots, there is no cancer, their friends and teachers are safe now. Some parents may be at a loss. Where does one even begin to sort out the details? Death, as it occurred in Conneticut, is something even adults cannot comprehend.

The one thing that we as adults must remember is that children do not need a lot of details to feel like the answers were given. Obviously those children who are actually exposed first-hand to scary events will already have many of the details and these will need to be explained to them and broken down more directly. Simply saying, "A bad man came in and did some terrible things" is not going to be enough for the children affected. They already know that! What children don't know and need to know is that they are safe. Those feelings of security in their world have been shattered and will remain that way for a very long time.

Simply stated, children need concrete explanations. They need to see, hear, taste and touch real things. Show them where they can lay flowers and teddy bears to say goodbye. Let them be a part of the grieving. Tell them you don't understand what happened. Tell them sometimes there are no answers, but you love them and are going to do everything in your power to keep them safe. Give them comfort in the small things. If it is ice-cream, let them have some ice-cream while you talk to them. If they love apple juice, then let them drink some while you talk. Something as small as using the sense of taste to ease your child will help. Give your child lots of hugs and keep them close. They need someone nearby. If it means your child sleeps in your bed for a week or two, that's okay. It is not going to start bad habits or set a precedent, it is going to let your child feel the safety of having a loving adult close by. Above all else, ensure your child feels LOVE in these times of sadness and grief.