There are sure to be some people who read a blog like this and think, "Are you crazy? You don't know my kid at all! I've tried the techniques, I've read the books... nothing works!" You give choices but your child insists on the third option and tantrums without it. You try to help your children problem solve but three seconds later they're screaming and throwing toys at each other. You try to ignore the behavior but time after time it ends in your child punching your leg and biting little brother for attention. What's so wrong with spanking anyway? You'll do it respectfully, after all, you know there is a right way and a wrong way to hit children. What's so wrong with yelling and sending everyone to their rooms? It's the only way they will listen!
Listen to this. Don't give up. Children will go through stages in their development where they will be far more determined. At this point, it may not be about trying everything; it could mean just trying a couple of things and using them consistently. This way they will learn what will happen and the hope is that eventually they will stop the behavior, or learn the new one. There are some children who seem to go through the stage that never ends. The whining started when she was three, now she's eight and it's still a common occurrence.
This is what your children are learning when you choose not to spank or yell:
RESPECT
Your child learns respect for you, respect for himself, and understands that you respect her everytime you talk with her rather than at her!
TRUST
Your child learns to trust you as a listener everytime you talk to him about his behavior rather than spanking him because of it!
INDEPENDENCE
Your child learns how to handle situations on her own and develops a real sense of autonomy everytime you allow her to change, choose, or deal with a situation rather than making these decisions for her!
I know how it is, I'm a Mom and I know that life isn't easy all the time and when you are raising children there are certain challenges that will push you over the edge. When you feel ready to fall off the cliff, just stop for a second and think about how positive guidance can impact your child's future. Then go into your room and scream into your pillow. That always helps too :)
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Monday, September 3, 2012
When Parenting Becomes Overwhelming
I have been struggling to post these days, as I have been feeling extremely sleep deprived. My three month old has recently decided he is hungry every 1-3 hours during the night. It makes for plenty of trips into the nursery... literally, as I stumble with my eyes half-open over piles of dirty laundry.
How does one keep their cool when they are tired, stressed, or just generally run-down?
There are just two things you need to remember when that thermostat in your head starts to rise:
1) You are the adult!
2) This child trusts you!
There are several strategies that we can learn about and use when we try to keep children calm, or when we want them to do something. What about strategies for ME? Here are some things I do when full-time parenting seems overwhelming.
Don't Sweat the Small Stuff
You know those piles of laundry I trip over in the night? They haven't been there forever, and they won't be there forever. Right now, it is just not a priority. I would prefer to go for a walk in the afternoon, just to get out of the house. My children are fed, they are happy, and my laundry can wait.
One day Jonah needed extra snuggles during the day. I was nursing him while Micah played. In his ventures, he came across a Kleenex box that I had failed to put out of his reach. He spent a good 20 minutes taking tissues, one at a time from the box to the kitchen. Yes, these cost money, yes I needed to clean up when he was done, but for that moment. For those precious 20 minutes, rather than chasing him from one activity to another while trying to feed a baby, I just watched him play and relaxed knowing he was safe and happy, and I didn't need to move.
Take A Break
Well meaning people have told me to "nap when the baby naps". Have these people ever had children?? My toddler never slept longer than 40 minutes at a time until he was four months old. In fact, he often didn't sleep more than 40 minutes during daylight hours at all. Now with two children and that much more laundry, more tears, more feeding, really more everything, who has time to nap? That being said, I always try to find time for breaks. Just sitting and reading a book to the boys can be relaxing. The other day, I took them both outside to the front walk, Micah with a bucket of side-walk chalk and Jonah in his bouncy chair. I love getting in and playing with Micah, but this day, I just sat on the stairs and watched. I had a bottle of water, bare feet, and sunshine. It was a favorite relaxation moment of the summer.
Play
When things get overwhelming during the day and I haven't slept and the boys won't nap, one thing that I do is put the blinders on to my dirty dishes, piles of laundry and the defrosting chicken that never will be cooked that night. Instead I sit down with my son, and I play. We read books, tickle belly buttons and most importantly, go outside to dig in the dirt. Nothing occupies my son more than being outside with the rocks and dirt. I love to get right in there with him and get dirty. If not relaxing in the physical sense, it is at least a great way to compose myself.
Get Involved
I make a point of being with other mom's at least once a week. I have a few options. There is a play group in my small town where mom's just get together and have coffee once a week while the children play. In the city nearby I try to get out to the "Breastfeeding Support Group". This consists of a group of mom's who all breastfeed and are offered support by local health nurses, but more than that, we are all at home with our children everyday. It is a great outlet. This group of mom's even tries to get out for a "girl's night out" about once a month. This is just a secondary benefit to getting involved.
Remember
These are three ideas that work for me, and I hope that you will find them helpful as well. Just remember this: It is never a sign of weakness to ask for help. And if you find that you are having more rough days than good ones, perhaps there's more than just lack of sleep or a busy schedule affecting you. Do not shy away from talking to your doctor about your state of mind.
Please share some tips and tools you have learned!
How does one keep their cool when they are tired, stressed, or just generally run-down?
There are just two things you need to remember when that thermostat in your head starts to rise:
1) You are the adult!
2) This child trusts you!
There are several strategies that we can learn about and use when we try to keep children calm, or when we want them to do something. What about strategies for ME? Here are some things I do when full-time parenting seems overwhelming.
Don't Sweat the Small Stuff
You know those piles of laundry I trip over in the night? They haven't been there forever, and they won't be there forever. Right now, it is just not a priority. I would prefer to go for a walk in the afternoon, just to get out of the house. My children are fed, they are happy, and my laundry can wait.
One day Jonah needed extra snuggles during the day. I was nursing him while Micah played. In his ventures, he came across a Kleenex box that I had failed to put out of his reach. He spent a good 20 minutes taking tissues, one at a time from the box to the kitchen. Yes, these cost money, yes I needed to clean up when he was done, but for that moment. For those precious 20 minutes, rather than chasing him from one activity to another while trying to feed a baby, I just watched him play and relaxed knowing he was safe and happy, and I didn't need to move.
Take A Break
Well meaning people have told me to "nap when the baby naps". Have these people ever had children?? My toddler never slept longer than 40 minutes at a time until he was four months old. In fact, he often didn't sleep more than 40 minutes during daylight hours at all. Now with two children and that much more laundry, more tears, more feeding, really more everything, who has time to nap? That being said, I always try to find time for breaks. Just sitting and reading a book to the boys can be relaxing. The other day, I took them both outside to the front walk, Micah with a bucket of side-walk chalk and Jonah in his bouncy chair. I love getting in and playing with Micah, but this day, I just sat on the stairs and watched. I had a bottle of water, bare feet, and sunshine. It was a favorite relaxation moment of the summer.
Play
When things get overwhelming during the day and I haven't slept and the boys won't nap, one thing that I do is put the blinders on to my dirty dishes, piles of laundry and the defrosting chicken that never will be cooked that night. Instead I sit down with my son, and I play. We read books, tickle belly buttons and most importantly, go outside to dig in the dirt. Nothing occupies my son more than being outside with the rocks and dirt. I love to get right in there with him and get dirty. If not relaxing in the physical sense, it is at least a great way to compose myself.
Get Involved
I make a point of being with other mom's at least once a week. I have a few options. There is a play group in my small town where mom's just get together and have coffee once a week while the children play. In the city nearby I try to get out to the "Breastfeeding Support Group". This consists of a group of mom's who all breastfeed and are offered support by local health nurses, but more than that, we are all at home with our children everyday. It is a great outlet. This group of mom's even tries to get out for a "girl's night out" about once a month. This is just a secondary benefit to getting involved.
Remember
These are three ideas that work for me, and I hope that you will find them helpful as well. Just remember this: It is never a sign of weakness to ask for help. And if you find that you are having more rough days than good ones, perhaps there's more than just lack of sleep or a busy schedule affecting you. Do not shy away from talking to your doctor about your state of mind.
Please share some tips and tools you have learned!
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