To NO or not to NO...?

I endorse positive discipline strategies to my students in the ELCC program. On the first day of class, I give them a situation:

You are escorting a group of children down a school hallway. They are never allowed to run in the halls, yet one little boy insists on running ahead of the group. How do you tell him not to run without using the words "no","stop", "not", or any contraction containing not, such as "can't" or "don't".

I tell them that my goal is to teach them how to give directions or discipline children in a positive way, without negative words.

Some of the answers I get include:

"You can use your walking feet down the hall." or "When you run, I get worried that you are going to fall. Please walk with me."

When I began working in daycare, I practiced extreme abstinence of "no's". It took some practice and great modelling by those with more experience than me, but I became a master of the craft. I expect nothing less from those who leave my program and go out into the field. There are several options that will eliminate this word from anyone's vocabulary and they work with any age group in any situation. Here are just a couple of suggestions:

Distraction

Has your child ever been so intent on putting their sippy cup in the garbage can, that no matter how many times you tell him NO, he continues to go back to the same activity? It can begin to feel a little like Groundhog Day as you repeat the steps over and over again. This can obviously get frustrating.

Have you ever turned your back for a second, only to turn back and find the little darling that was in the other room playing with cars just one second ago looking up longingly at  the pot boiling on the stove?

The quick and natural thing to do in either situation is to say, or shout, "NO", even if it means doing it time and time again. In either of these situations, a quick and easy solution is to distract your child with a new activity. Think of something they would enjoy and suggest they do that instead. For instance, the other day, Micah, my 16 month old, was following us around the kitchen as my husband and I tried to get supper ready. We kept telling him to go play with his toys, but he was not interested in that. Finally, I asked him if he wanted to play with playdough while we make supper. I put him in his highchair, and he was happy and busy for 20 minutes while we finished.

Give Choices

Nobody likes to hear what they can't do, even children get tired of all the negativity. Another option is to tell a child what they CAN do, and make it a choice. 

"You can take your sippy cup to your table and I'll bring you a cracker for a snack, or you can give me your sippy cup because it looks like you are all done with it."

"You can help me toss the salad, or you can leave the kitchen because it is not safe to be here."

Even a young child can make simple choices and appreciate hearing the positive messages. As children get older, the choices can become more verbally complex, but it is still a good idea to leave the choices at 2. You get one or the other.

I-Messages

Remember that when the child is doing something that you don't like, or feel is unsafe, it is really YOUR problem, not theirs. They are just doing what children do. It is important to own that problem. Using NO is really placing the issue on the child and making them feel as though they are somehow unfit as a child, because all of their impulses are simply natural, as hard as that is for us to swallow sometimes. I-messages typically start with "I" or at least allow you to own the problem and make the child aware of it. It is not a bad idea to follow an I-message with a choice or allow the child to problem-solve.

"I feel frustrated when you put your sippy cup in the garbage. What else could we do with your sippy cup?"

"I am worried you are going to get hurt being in the kitchen right now. I would like you to leave. What could you do instead?"

If I were to use the first I-message with my little one, it would be important for me to remember that he will not necessarily understand all of the words I used; however, this is good learning for him as far as vocabulary, and it is important for me to vocalize how I feel, as this helps me to keep tabs on where I'm at emotionally and allows me to keep my head from spinning right off my body.

I found when Micah was an infant and just learning to understand that language has meaning, I used "no" a lot. It was instinctive and he seemed to understand it easily. He knew if I said no, it meant it was off limits, that by no means meant that he left it alone, but at least he understood. Now that I have started, I am finding it difficult to recondition myself to use other strategies. I have justified it by telling myself that it is easier for him, but the reality is, it has been an easy-out for me. Unfortunately, now that he is becoming a toddler, it is not such an easy fix; he is not so quick to respond to the repeated "No, not in your brother's eye." "No, no, no! Be gentle with Jonah." "No Micah, stop whining." Does this really get me anywhere?? NO!! There is a reason for guidance strategies. They are designed to keep us ALL sane, a gift I could use most days.

Please comment on your strategies for deterring negative behavior? What are some more ideas?