Spanking: The Easy Way Out

Last night as my family sat around the dinner table (eating barbecued hamburgers yet again, as it is far too hot to cook) we began discussing my blog and some of the things I believe in as far as discipline. My teenager pipes up and says there is really only one form of discipline he remembers as a child, the "countdown". 

It started when he was two and continued until he was about five. I would use my fingers, starting at 5 (just to give him time to think about what his choices were), if I got to 1, he would receive a spanking. I never got to 1 on the bus or in any awkward places thankfully because I really didn't know what I would do at that point. Even more wonderful is that I never got to 1 very often at all. He caught on quick and I really only had to give him a spanking a handful of times. It's the countdown he remembers, and the fear of what was to come.

The fact of the matter is, parents are not given a book about what to do when their children misbehave. In reality, all we have when our little people come into the world are our own memories and experiences. I was a single mom, so all I had to rely on were my own childhood experiences. Having grown up with the proverb "to spare the rod is to spoil the child" I believed I was doing what was right for my child, and really, I thought I was doing pretty good! When I was a child, if I misbehaved I got a spanking on the bare butt with a leather belt. I don't feel that it was wrong necessarily on the part of my parents, it was what they knew, but I always swore I would never spank my child with anything but my hand, and I felt pretty good about that.
When I went to college and took Early Childhood courses my eyes were opened to the many possibilities of discipline. I wanted open dialogue with my child, and here they were telling me that this could be accomplished, even in the face of misbehavior. I was still a firm believer in spanking for years after completing my diploma because, let's face it, it's hard to give up what you know. I would go to work and use all of those wonderful guidance strategies with the children in my care, and I became efficient at using them with Joshua as well, but when push came to shove, and I was frustrated and didn't want to deal with the behavior anymore, I would always resort to the countdown and the spanking if necessary. I guess that's the thing about spanking; it's easy.

I don't take the easy way out anymore. I endeavor to be the kind of mom that will put the time and energy into teaching my children better ways of being, rather than punishing them for being who they are.

I remember in grade one, Joshua got into trouble at school and the school called to let me know what happened. When I picked him up, I didn't tell him what I knew, I just asked him questions to see if he would come clean. He didn't. He lied to me about why he stayed in at recess and what events had transpired that day. On the way home, I went through the Tim Hortons' drive through, and bought some donuts. When we got home, we sat down at the kitchen table and I told him we need to have a meeting. I told him what I knew, explained how disappointed I was that he had lied to me, and most importantly, I didn't do all the talking. I asked him questions, got his viewpoint, and respected him as a growing individual. That being said, it wasn't something to be ignored and to help him remember, I gave him some chores to do around the house, not because he got in trouble at school, but because he had lied to me. To this day, he remembers that conversation and the cleaning he had to do more than any other punishment I have ever given out. He learned an important lesson that day about lying and trust. Trust, because eleven years ago my son learned to trust me with his feelings and the truth because I took the time to listen instead of being authoritarian with my punishment. That day I taught him more than any physical punishment could have ever taught. From that point on, whenever there was an important issue to discuss regarding his behavior, we would sit down at the kitchen table and have a "meeting" to decide what do to about it.

As a footnote, my son is seventeen years old and is about to enter his final year of high school. I still believe in open communication, and although he chooses (sadly) not to tell me everything about his life there continues to be a strong element of trust between us and I credit that to my strength in listening rather than punishing.

What are your thoughts on the proverb "To spare the rod is to spoil the child"?

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