To NO or not to NO...?

I endorse positive discipline strategies to my students in the ELCC program. On the first day of class, I give them a situation:

You are escorting a group of children down a school hallway. They are never allowed to run in the halls, yet one little boy insists on running ahead of the group. How do you tell him not to run without using the words "no","stop", "not", or any contraction containing not, such as "can't" or "don't".

I tell them that my goal is to teach them how to give directions or discipline children in a positive way, without negative words.

Some of the answers I get include:

"You can use your walking feet down the hall." or "When you run, I get worried that you are going to fall. Please walk with me."

When I began working in daycare, I practiced extreme abstinence of "no's". It took some practice and great modelling by those with more experience than me, but I became a master of the craft. I expect nothing less from those who leave my program and go out into the field. There are several options that will eliminate this word from anyone's vocabulary and they work with any age group in any situation. Here are just a couple of suggestions:

Distraction

Has your child ever been so intent on putting their sippy cup in the garbage can, that no matter how many times you tell him NO, he continues to go back to the same activity? It can begin to feel a little like Groundhog Day as you repeat the steps over and over again. This can obviously get frustrating.

Have you ever turned your back for a second, only to turn back and find the little darling that was in the other room playing with cars just one second ago looking up longingly at  the pot boiling on the stove?

The quick and natural thing to do in either situation is to say, or shout, "NO", even if it means doing it time and time again. In either of these situations, a quick and easy solution is to distract your child with a new activity. Think of something they would enjoy and suggest they do that instead. For instance, the other day, Micah, my 16 month old, was following us around the kitchen as my husband and I tried to get supper ready. We kept telling him to go play with his toys, but he was not interested in that. Finally, I asked him if he wanted to play with playdough while we make supper. I put him in his highchair, and he was happy and busy for 20 minutes while we finished.

Give Choices

Nobody likes to hear what they can't do, even children get tired of all the negativity. Another option is to tell a child what they CAN do, and make it a choice. 

"You can take your sippy cup to your table and I'll bring you a cracker for a snack, or you can give me your sippy cup because it looks like you are all done with it."

"You can help me toss the salad, or you can leave the kitchen because it is not safe to be here."

Even a young child can make simple choices and appreciate hearing the positive messages. As children get older, the choices can become more verbally complex, but it is still a good idea to leave the choices at 2. You get one or the other.

I-Messages

Remember that when the child is doing something that you don't like, or feel is unsafe, it is really YOUR problem, not theirs. They are just doing what children do. It is important to own that problem. Using NO is really placing the issue on the child and making them feel as though they are somehow unfit as a child, because all of their impulses are simply natural, as hard as that is for us to swallow sometimes. I-messages typically start with "I" or at least allow you to own the problem and make the child aware of it. It is not a bad idea to follow an I-message with a choice or allow the child to problem-solve.

"I feel frustrated when you put your sippy cup in the garbage. What else could we do with your sippy cup?"

"I am worried you are going to get hurt being in the kitchen right now. I would like you to leave. What could you do instead?"

If I were to use the first I-message with my little one, it would be important for me to remember that he will not necessarily understand all of the words I used; however, this is good learning for him as far as vocabulary, and it is important for me to vocalize how I feel, as this helps me to keep tabs on where I'm at emotionally and allows me to keep my head from spinning right off my body.

I found when Micah was an infant and just learning to understand that language has meaning, I used "no" a lot. It was instinctive and he seemed to understand it easily. He knew if I said no, it meant it was off limits, that by no means meant that he left it alone, but at least he understood. Now that I have started, I am finding it difficult to recondition myself to use other strategies. I have justified it by telling myself that it is easier for him, but the reality is, it has been an easy-out for me. Unfortunately, now that he is becoming a toddler, it is not such an easy fix; he is not so quick to respond to the repeated "No, not in your brother's eye." "No, no, no! Be gentle with Jonah." "No Micah, stop whining." Does this really get me anywhere?? NO!! There is a reason for guidance strategies. They are designed to keep us ALL sane, a gift I could use most days.

Please comment on your strategies for deterring negative behavior? What are some more ideas?

Spanking: The Easy Way Out

Last night as my family sat around the dinner table (eating barbecued hamburgers yet again, as it is far too hot to cook) we began discussing my blog and some of the things I believe in as far as discipline. My teenager pipes up and says there is really only one form of discipline he remembers as a child, the "countdown". 

It started when he was two and continued until he was about five. I would use my fingers, starting at 5 (just to give him time to think about what his choices were), if I got to 1, he would receive a spanking. I never got to 1 on the bus or in any awkward places thankfully because I really didn't know what I would do at that point. Even more wonderful is that I never got to 1 very often at all. He caught on quick and I really only had to give him a spanking a handful of times. It's the countdown he remembers, and the fear of what was to come.

The fact of the matter is, parents are not given a book about what to do when their children misbehave. In reality, all we have when our little people come into the world are our own memories and experiences. I was a single mom, so all I had to rely on were my own childhood experiences. Having grown up with the proverb "to spare the rod is to spoil the child" I believed I was doing what was right for my child, and really, I thought I was doing pretty good! When I was a child, if I misbehaved I got a spanking on the bare butt with a leather belt. I don't feel that it was wrong necessarily on the part of my parents, it was what they knew, but I always swore I would never spank my child with anything but my hand, and I felt pretty good about that.
When I went to college and took Early Childhood courses my eyes were opened to the many possibilities of discipline. I wanted open dialogue with my child, and here they were telling me that this could be accomplished, even in the face of misbehavior. I was still a firm believer in spanking for years after completing my diploma because, let's face it, it's hard to give up what you know. I would go to work and use all of those wonderful guidance strategies with the children in my care, and I became efficient at using them with Joshua as well, but when push came to shove, and I was frustrated and didn't want to deal with the behavior anymore, I would always resort to the countdown and the spanking if necessary. I guess that's the thing about spanking; it's easy.

I don't take the easy way out anymore. I endeavor to be the kind of mom that will put the time and energy into teaching my children better ways of being, rather than punishing them for being who they are.

I remember in grade one, Joshua got into trouble at school and the school called to let me know what happened. When I picked him up, I didn't tell him what I knew, I just asked him questions to see if he would come clean. He didn't. He lied to me about why he stayed in at recess and what events had transpired that day. On the way home, I went through the Tim Hortons' drive through, and bought some donuts. When we got home, we sat down at the kitchen table and I told him we need to have a meeting. I told him what I knew, explained how disappointed I was that he had lied to me, and most importantly, I didn't do all the talking. I asked him questions, got his viewpoint, and respected him as a growing individual. That being said, it wasn't something to be ignored and to help him remember, I gave him some chores to do around the house, not because he got in trouble at school, but because he had lied to me. To this day, he remembers that conversation and the cleaning he had to do more than any other punishment I have ever given out. He learned an important lesson that day about lying and trust. Trust, because eleven years ago my son learned to trust me with his feelings and the truth because I took the time to listen instead of being authoritarian with my punishment. That day I taught him more than any physical punishment could have ever taught. From that point on, whenever there was an important issue to discuss regarding his behavior, we would sit down at the kitchen table and have a "meeting" to decide what do to about it.

As a footnote, my son is seventeen years old and is about to enter his final year of high school. I still believe in open communication, and although he chooses (sadly) not to tell me everything about his life there continues to be a strong element of trust between us and I credit that to my strength in listening rather than punishing.

What are your thoughts on the proverb "To spare the rod is to spoil the child"?

http://footage.shutterstock.com/clip-535495-stock-footage-fingers-countdown-from-five-green.html

Tarnished Halos

Who doesn't love the contagious giggle of a toddler when you tip him upside-down and tickle his tummy? How can you not fall head-over-heels in love with a little boy who crawls up on your chest just so he can put his head down and snuggle in for a hug? Whose heart doesn't melt when you go to get a little boy out of his crib and he puts his arms out and says, "mama" or "daddy"? The real question is, what do you do with that same little angel when he winds up and smacks you, then laughs, or continues to throw his food around the kitchen no matter how many times you ask him to stop? What do you do when you've done everything to teach a new behavior, but it just isn't enough?

Here are a couple of websites that offer some ideas and strategies for dealing with challenging behavior.

Positive Guidance and Discipline Strategies
Guiding Young Children: 21 Strategies


Here's the issue with webites: They sound good in theory, but what really happens when you try out their suggestions? When you're dealing with children, often the opposite of what you might hope.

Today my little angel was snuggled up nice and cute, giving his baby brother a hug. He got up and touched Jonah's cheek ever so gently. Believing in positive reinforcement, I immediately told Micah what a great job he had done, using such gentle touches. In response to my encouraging words, the little angel lifted his arm, took off his halo, and smacked his baby brother on the head.
Now, I am mother to both children. I love them both equally, but no matter who is hurting one of my babies, Mama Bear comes out! Had I been in class at this point I may have posed a question to my students:
In this situation do you

a) put the child in a corner
b) slap the child's hand
c) ignore the behavior (he's just a toddler and one day his brother will learn to hit back)
d) take the child's hand and show him a gentle touch

Seems obvious, right? Sure, when you're in a classroom and your emotions aren't in play! I personally, grabbed Micah, sat him against the wall, and (finger wagging and all) demanded that he not hit! Suddenly reality set in and I remembered that I don't believe in "time-out", so when I went to deal with the crying baby and Micah followed me, I just let it go. With a toddler, what happens in the moment, stays in the moment. There is no point in dwelling on it or continuing to try and get your message across. I said my piece and if it happened again I knew that I would go with (d) this time. Afterall, I am the adult; if I don't control my emotions, who will?

Focus and Discipline

I have been surfing the net and thinking about my own experiences and circumstances, while considering what the direct focus of my blog will be. I am not currently in the childcare field, yet have a great deal of experience. I am not exactly out of the field either, as I keep up date on current research with my job, and stay home with my own two younger children every day.
I appreciate the blogs that I have been reading that have incredible planning ideas, or those that offer great recipes for children. These are things that I can use on a daily basis, while also adapting them for my own needs. They are, however, not areas I can effectively discuss on an ongoing basis; although I will offer ideas as they come up. I have come to realize that the one area of childcare that I know well on a professional level, and deal with each and everyday on a personal level is the ongoing issue of guidance and discipline.
I teach a first year course in the ELCC program titled "Guiding Behavior" and tell my students the very first day that this will most likely be the most important course they take in their two year diploma program. Looking at program planning, children's supports and business administration are all very important and cannot be overlooked; however, learning how to deal with children's emotions and their reactions to these emotions is life-long learning. Even when I took the Early Childhood program myself, the course that impacted me the most was the one that taught me how to effectively talk, listen, and discipline. This helped me in my career, and still helps me today with my own children, and let's face it, with my husband as well! I look forward to offering support, answering questions, and continuing my own growth as a parent and child care professional through this blog.

How Much Time Between Children

When couples decide to start a family, many have already discussed how many children they would like to have as well as how far apart seems ideal to have them. One website states that it makes sense financially to space children 3-4 years apart. This would mean you do not have both children in childcare at the same time, and there would be some time to prepare for the younger to enter university. Another article states that at least the older sibling will be smarter if children are spaced at two year intervals. The article goes on to suggest that if children are much closer than that, parents are too busy to give appropriate time for enrichment.

I have three children. The first two are spaced 16 years and 3 weeks apart. The second two are 14 months and 10 days apart. Certainly two extremes and worth commenting on. When I was pregnant with my second son, I was told more often than not, that I am "crazy for starting over again" when I'm so close to being done. When I got pregnant with my third I had just as many comments about being "crazy for having them so close together". Am I really as crazy as they say? Am I doing my children a disservice by spacing them as I have?

Having a brother 16 years younger means that my first was essentially an only child for most of his life. He was disappointed that it took so long to have a sibling, but certainly not disappointed to finally have one. Joshua, my 17 year old, and Micah, my 16 month old are extremely close. Josh plays with Micah regularly and Micah thinks the world revolves around his big brother. Certainly there are economic benefits to this difference, as one is about to graduate in a year and the other will not need tuition for another 16 years. Having a baby has heightened the element of responsibility for my teenager, as he recognizeds this litter person looks up to him. For Micah and Jonah both, he will always have someone older to turn to who has their best interests at heart, yet isn't one of those annoying "parent types".

Obviously there are downsides to having such a substantial age difference. They will never be as close as siblings who are raised at the same time, with the same experiences. They will not go to school together or have the same friends. However, they are brothers, and there is always something to be said for that!

When my second was 6 months old, I found out I was pregnant with Jonah. These two boys are very close in age. I anticipate they will play together, fight together, grow together and love each other. They will have the same family vacations, the same schools, possibly the same friends. They will share the same memories when they are older about their childhood.

Let's look at the reality of having two very young children. Certainly it is not easy financially to have two babies in the house. They both need diapers, I have two cribs, and if they both go to daycare, it will cost a small fortune. My time is spent nursing the younger while trying to entertain the older with one arm. Micah doesn't get the stories, outdoor experiences and general one-on-one time that he did just a few short months ago. That being said, things will get easier, and in the meantime, they are both learning so much! Micah is learning to share; right now it is his Mommy time rather than his toys. More importantly, he is learning a most important lifeskill, empathy. Already he is running to give the baby a soother when he cries, or trying to rock the carseat in the back of the car while soothing "shh, shh". Jonah is learning the power of relationship, as everytime Micah leans in with a hug, he is rewarded with the biggest grin.

All in all, I don't think it's a matter of how much time you put between your children, but more a matter of how much time you put into your children.