Infant Discipline

Have you ever been sitting in church only to hear the grunts and groans of the baby in your lap until you finally hear a diaper filled like a ten gun salute in the midst of a sleeping town? Have you ever been enclosed in a dressing room at the mall while a baby screams like he hasn't been fed in three days because you had to wait ten minutes for the "stroller room"? Have you ever needed to don a nursing cover in the middle of a restaurant? Then you must have been the parent of an infant.

Let's face it, anyone who has worked with infants knows that it is more difficult than it looks. There are times when you need the baby to be quiet and (please, please) cooperate. Usually these times happen at the most stressful moments for the caregiver. The question is, "How on earth do you get a baby to do what you want?"
The answer is, "You can't", at least not in ways like you could with a toddler or preschooler (which are also each different). Infants are a unique species in the human world. They look like people, they generally act like people, yet they cannot function like people. Infants do not have the cognitive ability to gage emotions of others or consider cause-and-effect and consequences. They rely entirely on those around them for food, shelter, even body heat, as their little bodies cannot properly regulate hot and cold. Infants have ways of telling adults what they need, be it through crying, smiling, or body language, like sucking on a fist. During the first six months of life, a baby will simply tell us what they want, and all we can do is respond. It isn't until about six months of age that an infant will begin to understand cause-and-effect. At that point, we can begin to slowly and simply teach behaviors and routines.

The reality is, everyone has a breaking point with children, spouses, bosses, whatever the case may be. When pushed hard enough, you will either push back or run for the hills (fight or flight). Stress is a major factor when you are a sleep deprived and emotionally enriched, as most new moms are. The key to disciplining an infant, is to discipline yourself! Keep tabs on your emotions, as it is sometimes easy to let them run away on you. Check yourself often, for fatigue, frustration, and overall satisfaction. If you find that you are tired and you cannot sleep, take a break in other ways. My toddler did not nap until he was 7 months old. Before that it was 10 minute cat naps a couple of times a day. Hardly worth closing my eyes for. I was exhausted! The key was to turn a blind eye to the raw meat on the counter waiting to be cooked for supper and the baby clothes that seemed to always find a home in my living room. Instead, I would sit with my son in the rocking chair and just look at him and hold him, reminding myself how much I had looked forward to his arrival, and knowing that this phase would one day pass. I found peace in the very being that caused me stress. If you find that you are frustrated and have no one you can call for help, check yourself and make a conscious choice for "flight". There were times when I needed to just put my son in a safe place like his crib, or bouncy chair and just walk away for a breath. One of the best ways to calm us both down was to put him in the stroller and walk around the block, sometimes several times. Some moms will even put their child in the car and drive aimlessly for hours because that is the only way their baby will sleep. This is not crazy! It's the only way to keep sane, and that is okay!
I was lucky enough this time around to have my husband to lean on and talk to about my frustrations and struggles. Such was not the case with my first boy. As a single mom I really had to bear the load alone, and that can be difficult. The best thing you can do is find someone, anyone who will listen and not judge. Use them! This is about disciplining yourself to reach out for the sake of your child.

Infants are not disciplined in the sense that you would think about discipline. The best way to ensure an infant gives you the quiet and cooperation you need is to give them everything they need! Even so, babies come with no guarantees... no return policies either. Remember though, from the mother of both an infant and a teenager, each stage of life will pass (whether you want them to or not). My best advice: Look after yourself. That baby needs you!

Obedience is for the Dogs

I came across an interesting Tweet the other day, written by Alphie Kohn. He quoted author Louise Porter: "Obedience is a fine aim for household pets, but we don't expect pets to grow up and leave home."
Parents and caregivers seem to have this underlying understanding that if children listen and obey, that we are doing our jobs correctly. Here's the thing, parenting is NOT about making our children listen to us. If the goal of graduating from childhood into adulthood is that you can obey rules, then adulthood is going to be a bit of a shocker! Sure, children need to learn that rules exist, and exist for a reason. They also need to be able to follow instruction and maintain societal norms, especially as they age. And, let's face it, a parents job is to ensure these things happen. Ensuring obedience is not the way to do it.
Giving children commands and expecting that they respond immediately is not preparing them for the real world.
"Sit!" "Fetch!" "Lie Down!" These certainly sound like commands one might give a dog, but do they not also sound somewhat like what we say to our children on occasion? TELLING children what to do and expecting that they respond is giving us what we want, but what is it doing for them? They are becoming little robots who jump on command, don't question authority, and never learn who they are in the world. Some parents might think, "What?! My child had better not question my authority! They are children, I am the adult, what right do they have to question me?" Well, in reality, they should be given every right and opportunity to question you. There are some really heartbreaking periods in our not so distant world history that took place because men and women chose not to question those in command. Encourage your children to ask "why". Encourage them to question even adults when something is happening that they feel is not right or fair. TEACH your children to become independent thinkers! One day, they will be left out in the great wide world with no one but themselves to lean on and learn from. Teach your children that to obey is not the most important thing in life. Teach them to become critical thinkers, problem solvers, and questioning individuals.

To NO or not to NO...?

I endorse positive discipline strategies to my students in the ELCC program. On the first day of class, I give them a situation:

You are escorting a group of children down a school hallway. They are never allowed to run in the halls, yet one little boy insists on running ahead of the group. How do you tell him not to run without using the words "no","stop", "not", or any contraction containing not, such as "can't" or "don't".

I tell them that my goal is to teach them how to give directions or discipline children in a positive way, without negative words.

Some of the answers I get include:

"You can use your walking feet down the hall." or "When you run, I get worried that you are going to fall. Please walk with me."

When I began working in daycare, I practiced extreme abstinence of "no's". It took some practice and great modelling by those with more experience than me, but I became a master of the craft. I expect nothing less from those who leave my program and go out into the field. There are several options that will eliminate this word from anyone's vocabulary and they work with any age group in any situation. Here are just a couple of suggestions:

Distraction

Has your child ever been so intent on putting their sippy cup in the garbage can, that no matter how many times you tell him NO, he continues to go back to the same activity? It can begin to feel a little like Groundhog Day as you repeat the steps over and over again. This can obviously get frustrating.

Have you ever turned your back for a second, only to turn back and find the little darling that was in the other room playing with cars just one second ago looking up longingly at  the pot boiling on the stove?

The quick and natural thing to do in either situation is to say, or shout, "NO", even if it means doing it time and time again. In either of these situations, a quick and easy solution is to distract your child with a new activity. Think of something they would enjoy and suggest they do that instead. For instance, the other day, Micah, my 16 month old, was following us around the kitchen as my husband and I tried to get supper ready. We kept telling him to go play with his toys, but he was not interested in that. Finally, I asked him if he wanted to play with playdough while we make supper. I put him in his highchair, and he was happy and busy for 20 minutes while we finished.

Give Choices

Nobody likes to hear what they can't do, even children get tired of all the negativity. Another option is to tell a child what they CAN do, and make it a choice. 

"You can take your sippy cup to your table and I'll bring you a cracker for a snack, or you can give me your sippy cup because it looks like you are all done with it."

"You can help me toss the salad, or you can leave the kitchen because it is not safe to be here."

Even a young child can make simple choices and appreciate hearing the positive messages. As children get older, the choices can become more verbally complex, but it is still a good idea to leave the choices at 2. You get one or the other.

I-Messages

Remember that when the child is doing something that you don't like, or feel is unsafe, it is really YOUR problem, not theirs. They are just doing what children do. It is important to own that problem. Using NO is really placing the issue on the child and making them feel as though they are somehow unfit as a child, because all of their impulses are simply natural, as hard as that is for us to swallow sometimes. I-messages typically start with "I" or at least allow you to own the problem and make the child aware of it. It is not a bad idea to follow an I-message with a choice or allow the child to problem-solve.

"I feel frustrated when you put your sippy cup in the garbage. What else could we do with your sippy cup?"

"I am worried you are going to get hurt being in the kitchen right now. I would like you to leave. What could you do instead?"

If I were to use the first I-message with my little one, it would be important for me to remember that he will not necessarily understand all of the words I used; however, this is good learning for him as far as vocabulary, and it is important for me to vocalize how I feel, as this helps me to keep tabs on where I'm at emotionally and allows me to keep my head from spinning right off my body.

I found when Micah was an infant and just learning to understand that language has meaning, I used "no" a lot. It was instinctive and he seemed to understand it easily. He knew if I said no, it meant it was off limits, that by no means meant that he left it alone, but at least he understood. Now that I have started, I am finding it difficult to recondition myself to use other strategies. I have justified it by telling myself that it is easier for him, but the reality is, it has been an easy-out for me. Unfortunately, now that he is becoming a toddler, it is not such an easy fix; he is not so quick to respond to the repeated "No, not in your brother's eye." "No, no, no! Be gentle with Jonah." "No Micah, stop whining." Does this really get me anywhere?? NO!! There is a reason for guidance strategies. They are designed to keep us ALL sane, a gift I could use most days.

Please comment on your strategies for deterring negative behavior? What are some more ideas?

Spanking: The Easy Way Out

Last night as my family sat around the dinner table (eating barbecued hamburgers yet again, as it is far too hot to cook) we began discussing my blog and some of the things I believe in as far as discipline. My teenager pipes up and says there is really only one form of discipline he remembers as a child, the "countdown". 

It started when he was two and continued until he was about five. I would use my fingers, starting at 5 (just to give him time to think about what his choices were), if I got to 1, he would receive a spanking. I never got to 1 on the bus or in any awkward places thankfully because I really didn't know what I would do at that point. Even more wonderful is that I never got to 1 very often at all. He caught on quick and I really only had to give him a spanking a handful of times. It's the countdown he remembers, and the fear of what was to come.

The fact of the matter is, parents are not given a book about what to do when their children misbehave. In reality, all we have when our little people come into the world are our own memories and experiences. I was a single mom, so all I had to rely on were my own childhood experiences. Having grown up with the proverb "to spare the rod is to spoil the child" I believed I was doing what was right for my child, and really, I thought I was doing pretty good! When I was a child, if I misbehaved I got a spanking on the bare butt with a leather belt. I don't feel that it was wrong necessarily on the part of my parents, it was what they knew, but I always swore I would never spank my child with anything but my hand, and I felt pretty good about that.
When I went to college and took Early Childhood courses my eyes were opened to the many possibilities of discipline. I wanted open dialogue with my child, and here they were telling me that this could be accomplished, even in the face of misbehavior. I was still a firm believer in spanking for years after completing my diploma because, let's face it, it's hard to give up what you know. I would go to work and use all of those wonderful guidance strategies with the children in my care, and I became efficient at using them with Joshua as well, but when push came to shove, and I was frustrated and didn't want to deal with the behavior anymore, I would always resort to the countdown and the spanking if necessary. I guess that's the thing about spanking; it's easy.

I don't take the easy way out anymore. I endeavor to be the kind of mom that will put the time and energy into teaching my children better ways of being, rather than punishing them for being who they are.

I remember in grade one, Joshua got into trouble at school and the school called to let me know what happened. When I picked him up, I didn't tell him what I knew, I just asked him questions to see if he would come clean. He didn't. He lied to me about why he stayed in at recess and what events had transpired that day. On the way home, I went through the Tim Hortons' drive through, and bought some donuts. When we got home, we sat down at the kitchen table and I told him we need to have a meeting. I told him what I knew, explained how disappointed I was that he had lied to me, and most importantly, I didn't do all the talking. I asked him questions, got his viewpoint, and respected him as a growing individual. That being said, it wasn't something to be ignored and to help him remember, I gave him some chores to do around the house, not because he got in trouble at school, but because he had lied to me. To this day, he remembers that conversation and the cleaning he had to do more than any other punishment I have ever given out. He learned an important lesson that day about lying and trust. Trust, because eleven years ago my son learned to trust me with his feelings and the truth because I took the time to listen instead of being authoritarian with my punishment. That day I taught him more than any physical punishment could have ever taught. From that point on, whenever there was an important issue to discuss regarding his behavior, we would sit down at the kitchen table and have a "meeting" to decide what do to about it.

As a footnote, my son is seventeen years old and is about to enter his final year of high school. I still believe in open communication, and although he chooses (sadly) not to tell me everything about his life there continues to be a strong element of trust between us and I credit that to my strength in listening rather than punishing.

What are your thoughts on the proverb "To spare the rod is to spoil the child"?

http://footage.shutterstock.com/clip-535495-stock-footage-fingers-countdown-from-five-green.html

Tarnished Halos

Who doesn't love the contagious giggle of a toddler when you tip him upside-down and tickle his tummy? How can you not fall head-over-heels in love with a little boy who crawls up on your chest just so he can put his head down and snuggle in for a hug? Whose heart doesn't melt when you go to get a little boy out of his crib and he puts his arms out and says, "mama" or "daddy"? The real question is, what do you do with that same little angel when he winds up and smacks you, then laughs, or continues to throw his food around the kitchen no matter how many times you ask him to stop? What do you do when you've done everything to teach a new behavior, but it just isn't enough?

Here are a couple of websites that offer some ideas and strategies for dealing with challenging behavior.

Positive Guidance and Discipline Strategies
Guiding Young Children: 21 Strategies


Here's the issue with webites: They sound good in theory, but what really happens when you try out their suggestions? When you're dealing with children, often the opposite of what you might hope.

Today my little angel was snuggled up nice and cute, giving his baby brother a hug. He got up and touched Jonah's cheek ever so gently. Believing in positive reinforcement, I immediately told Micah what a great job he had done, using such gentle touches. In response to my encouraging words, the little angel lifted his arm, took off his halo, and smacked his baby brother on the head.
Now, I am mother to both children. I love them both equally, but no matter who is hurting one of my babies, Mama Bear comes out! Had I been in class at this point I may have posed a question to my students:
In this situation do you

a) put the child in a corner
b) slap the child's hand
c) ignore the behavior (he's just a toddler and one day his brother will learn to hit back)
d) take the child's hand and show him a gentle touch

Seems obvious, right? Sure, when you're in a classroom and your emotions aren't in play! I personally, grabbed Micah, sat him against the wall, and (finger wagging and all) demanded that he not hit! Suddenly reality set in and I remembered that I don't believe in "time-out", so when I went to deal with the crying baby and Micah followed me, I just let it go. With a toddler, what happens in the moment, stays in the moment. There is no point in dwelling on it or continuing to try and get your message across. I said my piece and if it happened again I knew that I would go with (d) this time. Afterall, I am the adult; if I don't control my emotions, who will?